Ipple-Pen Diary. Don’t Panic

Ipple-Pen Diary. Don’t Panic

I love the way our British Government responds to worries raised by issues across the United Kingdom by acting swiftly to raise mild concerns to a level which creates nationwide panic.

The outcome is goodbye common sense and realism and welcome fantasy, pre-packaged sound bites.

Take what we eat as an example.

On a Saturday morning you can go to the Welly for a full-English breakfast and when I say full-English I mean just that, a traditional navvy’s breakfast that consists of a heart-stopping plate full of sausage, black pudding, bacon, beans, eggs, devilled kidneys, fried bread and a huge builders mug of tea.

Not for the Welly breakfast club tiny portions of healthy food-stuffs arranged on a bed of some kind of green leaf and a spray of raspberry sauce topped off with a sprig of mint.

What the Welly serves up is what the customer wants (OK not what they necessarily need) a complete and quantifiably load of solid cholesterol designed to settle into the equivalent of a 10 pound lead-weight in the stomach for the rest of the weekend.

Everything on the plate is or has (or soon will be) declared so dangerous to our health that just as in the egg salmonella scare of the 90’s the nation will be gripped by fear and panic.

Except of course it has happened so many times before that we no longer, and especially in Ipplepen, believe the scare mongers and work on the theory that the St Andrews graveyard is full of those who lived well into their 90’s so bugger it that’s long enough.

Long enough not to insist on being subjected to the humiliation of having to exchange a well cooked steak (Devon people only cook their meat because it is the only guaranteed way to keep it on a plate) for a lettuce leaf and cauliflower florets.

So as we go forward in this post-truth society here in South Devon we’ll no doubt heed the warnings that “A Dog is not only for Christmas” (because we love dogs), that testing on animals is cruel (because it is), and will eat all of the things that we are being told is bad for us and hope to live long enough not to be dead just yet.