Ipple-Pen Diary. Christmas – Is Almost Finally With Us

(17 December 2018)

Christmas is almost finally with us?

And with it comes a jolly, large, cheerful white whiskered man from somewhere across the galaxy who for a single day dispenses happiness and joy wherever he lands.

So why is it that people walk about the streets looking so miserable, glum and beaten down at a time when all of the advertisements show people being overjoyed with happiness.

If it is all it is cracked up to be why at Christmas aren’t all people laughing and enjoying themselves?

Well of course it is all down to the idiosyncratic way the human mind works and the way people act.

If ordinary normal – if there is such a thing – people look unhappy just imagine how those who see the world through the bottom of a beer glass – or four or five – see it.

And don’t for one minute think this is where the drinkers view of the world ends because believe it or not the regular drinkers once underway are a tribe of their very own and have very little truck with strangers unless of course they offer to buy a round when suddenly they will be very acceptable.

I doubt if the drinkers would even offer the hand of friendship to Father Christmas and to actually – for free – leave him a whisky to thank him for his unwanted and unwarranted visit would be unthinkable.

Mind you that might change if he was to offer them a free ride home when the pub closes.

But back to the matter of why do people look so down beat this ‘festive’ season.

The Co-Op in Ipplepen will be full of last minute shoppers.

This year there has been changes made to the Co-Op with self-checkouts which is great because it avoids the need to have a ten items or fewer counter.

Single men absolutely love self check-outs because they can use them to furtively scan the contents of their baskets which usually comprises pot noodles, meals for one and a six pack or two of beer and thereby avoid them suffering the  pitying looks from the other customers which would only depress them more in this festive of all festive seasons.

Having said all of this I do think there should be a special and segregated check out for those biddies who a) see it as an opportunity to have a totally unrelated shopping chat with the person serving them , and b) for those who appear to be shocked to discover after their purchase have been scanned that they have to pay for them and then start rummaging around in a bag looking for their money.

And why is it that all of the biddies appear to have ‘Mary Poppin’ handbags?.

Fortunately the Ipplepen Co-Op is very close to both the Conservative Club – which happens to be the smallest in the UK – and the Wellington Pub which if a man does inadvertently find himself – for which he should be ashamed – dragged towards the shopping horror can be a somewhat very desirable man creche.

Offer to get a round in and you might even be accepted into the drinkers clan.

What is the alternative?

Well clearly any man who finds himself being dragged around the shops at this time of year hasn’t screamed, kicked and thrown a big enough tantrum that has resulted in him being was allowed to stay at home alone with the remote.

The alternative to which of course is that he isn’t to be trusted to stay at home on his own at this time of year with all of the additional temptations around with which he could harm himself such as the Christmas tree and Christmas lights.

Worse still there is more alcohol in the house and a host of new scented candles have been put out ready for Christmas Day so it is understandable that you would rather put up with a morose unhappy man where you could see them rather than risk a morose, drunken man unsupervised anywhere near candles.

Better they go to the pub where they can do less damage.

Things will as they always do improve once the shops are closed on Christmas Eve when the only places left open are the 24 hour petrol stations and everyone settles down to watch Mary Poppins on the television.

I wonder if the biddy in the Co-Op had a coat stand in her bag?

Happy Christmas everybody.