Ipple-Pen Diary. Winter Has Arrived – Happy Bloody Yuletide

(1 December 2018)
Well it looks as if winter has come to Ipplepen with an increase in rainfall and lowering temperatures. 

It is of course also that time of year when everyone you meet start the conversation off with the banal pleasantly of “are you ready for Christmas?”

To which the answer should never be “how do you mean ready for Christmas?”

“Skint, broke, bored rigid, argumentative and when out shopping bordering on being suicidal?”

Because naturally in the world of Christmas expectations it would simply identify you as a bah humbug humourless miserable sod.

Worse still though is don’t even think of boasting that you not only bought all of your Christmas presents back in July but that you’ve already written, addressed and stamped the Christmas cards ready to just be posted out.

Because naturally in the world of Christmas expectations it would simply identify you as an over organised smug bastard.

So what response should you give?

Well in my experience the most acceptable response is to clap you hands to your face adopt a look of horror -😱😱😱- and exclaim (try to be convincing)

 “oh no, I haven’t even started yet”.

Because naturally in the world of Christmas expectations you will be identified as someone who is as chaotic and disorganised as the person who asked the question thereby avoiding awkwardness and ensuring they feel good that they aren’t the only ones.

And while I’m on the subject of Christmas why are Christmas cards so cringingly awful?

Throughout the year we see cards available for every conceivable occasion or situation so how come at this time of year it is almost impossible to find one that honestly and truly reflects the ‘festive spirit’?

Where is the card that says what many would like to say –

“We would like to wish you at this time of year all the very best for the dire, expensive and panic-stricken vacuum that Christmas has now become.”

And what is it that possess people to join in by making their own Christmas cards to send out?

Now I’m a great supporter of our Post Office and Royal Mail and especially out village ‘posties’ who deliver the mail in all weathers but even they must admit that by the time they get around to delivering the home made Christmas cards the envelopes rattle with the number of bits that have come unglued.

And where envelopes have come unstuck the bottom of their mail bags must resemble some kind of thick exotic broth.

So winter and the season of goodwill and great cheer has arrived in Ipplepen.

Goodness it is going to be a horrible four weeks until 2019 arrives. 

Happy bloody Yuletide everyone. 😂😂😂😂😂