It is 7.38am in Ipplepen and it’s raining never have I seen people look so happy – Crisis over
After surviving the winter “Beast from the East” the United Kingdom has entered an even worse weather crisis and it looks as if it will be on par with the summer crisis of 1976.
What am I talking about?
You may well ask.
Well it appears that the UK is in the grip of something that we are totally unprepared for and that is a summer where the sky is clear, the sun is bright and the temperature is consistently in the region of +25C.
In other words we are in the grip of a heat wave.
Now I know, I know that in other parts of the world the temperature is consistently above 25C but this is Britain.
This is the country where everyone talks about the weather all the bloody time and where we are happiest talking about the gloom, the drizzle and the rotten summers.
The fact is beautiful weather is something that we are simply not equipped as a people to cope with.
Give us a raging storm and a downpour sprinkled with a sporadic show of the sun (but not too bright) and we are happy.
But give us a week of clear skies and sunshine – and it has been over a month now – and we are facing national mass hysteria on a scale comparable to that on the death of Princess Diana or if aliens were seen hovering over London.
Though I suspect many in the North of England would be cheering the aliens on.
The question is for many and it is a major 21st century concern and problem is what to wear?
Already we are seeing bodies that in no way should ever be put on public display – and I am talking mainly about men – being paraded in public.
Pale almost luminous skin being dry fried to the colour of over ripe tomatoes and white ivory marble legs jutting out of seriously either over sized or under sized shorts that have been retrieved from the loft having been purchased sometime in the past too distant to remember.
Make no mistake this is a serious crisis.
Forget Brexit, forget the Trump trade tariffs the simple fact is our British brains simply cannot deal with what is happening or how to cope with the situation.
Do we open all of the doors and windows to let the heat in or keep them closed to keep it out?
Air conditioning units?
What are they?
As for what to wear it is almost impossible to decide.
Under normal summer conditions all Brits do is take off a layer of clothing leaving them almost exposed to the elements with only three layers of clothing left on.
In extreme cases we may even go down to two layers which is what is universally considered throughout the British Isles as our summer wardrobe.
It is the age old problem because we know – and yes we do – that we may be able to fry eggs on the paving stones in the morning but by lunch time – at least we hope so – we will have a thunder storm of biblical proportions and the temperature will plummet to single figures.
Oh how we would love it and we’ll be talking about it for years and take delight in mocking and scoffing at those ‘misguided idiots’ who decided to wear shorts and a polo shirt to venture out in.
Well I didn’t spend twenty three years in the military without knowing how to and learning survival skills so I’ll adopt a carefree neutral expression as I watch the social fabric of society collapse under the pressure and then I’ll be able to adopt a “I told you so look” once it’s over.